Isn't it weird how something can disappear from our lives completely, but the second something triggers it, it can come back almost instantly? From December 26 until just now, Christmas was a fact. Now, it's a feeling and a mood and an almost tangible scent in the air - Christmas is almost heeeeeeeere. But that doesn't change the fact that it can completely disappear for so long and, with little warning and little reason, come back.
That's what I'm talking about today - coming back (not Christmas, sorry).
Although I'll still post a Christmas-ey picture because IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS
Over the past few weeks, I've had this feeling as though I lost something. And it sucks. It doesn't matter what it is, peace or joy or happiness or patience or anything, but when the fuel for that inner flame seems to run dry, it sucks. Some people call it depression. Others call it burnout. Regardless of the name, losing that thing that kept you going leaves a noticeable gap. You don't enjoy things as much. You get annoyed more easily. You just want to sit around and watch TV or sleep. You just feel like you're out of gas and dead in the water.
I don't say this as though it's unique to me or any one group of people. It's something that gets us all at some point. It's an unavoidable part of life. When it's used in the context of prayer, it's called dryness. All of the warm fuzzies that usually come with going to Mass and praying are just...not there. Dryness, like burnout, is more about absence than anything. You're doing exactly the same things you always do, but you don't feel the reward from it. Often the two go hand in hand - if you're not motivated to do anything else, why would praying be any more attractive?
The darkness comes to us all at some point, and no amount of running will keep it away from us. The important question isn't about avoiding it...it's about how we deal with it. We always have several options - we can ignore the problem and continue with our lives, we can give into temptation and just shut down, or we can make a conscious attempt not to ignore it, but overcome it. I'll give you one guess which one is the right thing to do. It's the last one.
Life is about conquering difficulty. Overcoming adversity. That doesn't mean ignoring it, or letting it rule our lives. It means recognizing how and why things affect us and taking steps to move beyond it. And it's hard. It's freaking hard.
How do we even start to "overcome" something like this? It's one thing to remove something that is causing a problem, but what do you do when you are missing something?
We keep going. Even though we get no immediate benefit from it. Even though we don't want to. Even though not getting out of bed is the most attractive thing in the world right now, we keep going. Because we know it's right. Even when work and school and people seem so not worth it, even when the nice feelings are gone, we keep pursuing what we know is right. Like love, life has to be a decision if it has any hope of surviving when the warm fuzzies go away.
That's the decision I'm making right here, right now, today. I'm going to keep going, even when I don't want to. I'm going to keep doing what I'm here to do even if I have no motivation.
There really is a lot of benefit in that - it is our way of saying that we do things because they are right, not for any passing feeling that accompanies it. We pray because God deserves it, not because we feel holy after. We serve because it is right, not because we feel generous after. When the feelings go away, will you have something to stand on?
That's what I resolved to do - even though I really didn't want to go to class or a meeting when there's Breaking Bad to watch, I did it anyway. Not because I got anything from it (not right away, anyway) I knew it was what I was supposed to do. So I did it for no other reason than that, and it was enough.
Then, there's a day like today. When, out of nowhere, the feelings come back. The joy and peace and motivation and the warm fuzzies come back. I passed the test, I guess. If I had given in to the temptation to give up when it was strongest, I wouldn't have ever given the feelings a chance to come back. There would have been no opportunity to wake up. But I kept going, and here I am. Alive again.
The darkness gets us all eventually. Maybe it's happening to you right now. But whether that dark place is years away, or here and now, when it comes you have to keep going. Keep pushing because believe it or not, it gets better. And when it does come back, it comes back stronger and more real than ever before.
It's like baby teeth - you have to lose your baby faith before a stronger adult faith can grow. But you have to keep going if you ever hope to get there.
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